If he is having an affair (emotional, physical or both), it is better to bring things to a head rather than hoping things will get better when he’s changed jobs, the kids go back to school or Chelsea win the cup.
You will also avoid the trap – which many women fall into after an affair is discovered – of blaming yourself for not acting sooner.
That brings up a whole range of new dilemmas: In the happiest marriage, it is easy for technology to intrude and come between you and your partner.
So even if your suspicions are ungrounded, it is worth having a debate about when and where it is acceptable to use your smartphone.
You’ve most probably tried to tackle your husband texting another woman but nothing has really changed.
In my experience of thirty years helping couples as a marital therapist, you’ve fallen into one or more of the following traps.
What about meal times, when you’re watching the TV or going out together?
Perhaps you love him so much that you want to believe him or you don’t think ‘he’s that type of guy’.
Alternatively, he’s such a good debater that he’s persuaded you that you’re being paranoid (and therefore beginning to doubt your own instincts) or he claims your constant questioning is doing his head in (and you’re frightened of ruining the relationship).
Miners used to take canaries down pits to warn of the approach of harmful gasses.
If the canary died, it signalled the need for a quick exit.
However, it can equally be a sign that the ‘friendship’ has moved to the next phase and your husband knows either consciously or unconsciously that he has something to hide. Does he seem to find constant fault or is irritable and snappy for no reason?